Submission of Papers...the psycho date installment.

This submission of papers to the Online Dating Diaries comes from Jen -

I've made the error of deciding to date men somewhat older than myself (5+ years). So, I meet this 42 year old (I was 31-32 at the time). He's successful - works from home, owns his own place, owns his own business - doing pretty good. Not totally horrible looking, but attractive. So, we have dinner one night - that went pretty well. I went to his place once to watch a movie - felt pretty comfortable. I then let him pick me up at my house to go to a movie (3rd date). He had been a perfect gentleman up to this point. Hand holding, hugs, kiss on the cheek. So, I thought "Hmmm....dating somewhat older men is a good thing - they have some manners and respect". Yeah, cancel that thought. He showed up ON MY DOORSTEP uninvited and DRUNK one night - a school night (back when I was teaching in the classroom AND working a second job from home teaching online - weeknights were NOT good for me to go out or have company and I told him this from the start). So, he's drunk, belligerant and I wouldn't let him come in. Apparently, he pre-paid this guy to fix something at his house and the guy took the money and ran. Duh! What the hell was he thinking? So he shows up on my doorstep looking for sympathy - um, I don't think so. I very firmly and politely tell him he needs to leave - and he actually does. A day later he calls. I tell him, "I don't think this is going to work out" and list the various reasons why. He then proceeds to tell me everything that I'm doing wrong and what's wrong with me and my inability to commit to someone emotionally - blah, blah, blah. I hang up on him and refuse to answer the phone the rest of the night. At that point, I invested in caller ID - best decision I ever made and worth every cent.

Yeah. Thanks.

I love the way that Match.com totally boosts my ego and the way men go out of their way to make me feel so desirable and wanted.

Example -

You didn't even fit my search criteria because of your age, but the website apparently thought I should check you out, so I did. LOL. It doesn't look to me like we have much in common other than we are both on this website looking to meet someone nice. But what the heck do I know, I am single and haven't found my match so maybe I am not looking in the right places. The fact that you are a dork sounds nice and that you respond well to sarcasm since I can dish it out as well as take it with the best.

Good enough,
XXX

Uh...

So I don't know what the flip is going on, but I'm starting to get a little nervous.

In the past few weeks, I've gotten various messages from match.com guys saying things like "I've noticed you've checked out my profile a couple of times" or "Thanks for the wink...".

I have no idea who these guys are.

First of all, I don't troll for guys on match.com. Now that match.com has that feature where you can see who's viewed your profile, I just don't do it.

And I sure as hell don't wink at anyone. We are all well aware of how I feel about winks.

Now, just to be sure, is this something that guys do to elicit a response? Do they make up some story about you winking at them or viewing their profile copious amounts of times out of hopes that you won't be a bitch and won't have the heart to tell them that you didn't, in fact, check them out or wink at them?

Just to be sure, though, I'm changing my password.

Why does this shit happen to me?

Really? But I like coffee better than beer....

So I finally took and hid my profile today on match.com after...wait, let me check...I signed up August 6th and during that time there's been one girl that I've been interested in meeting.

4 months...1 girl. You do the math.

Oh sure, I've got 20 girls on my hotlist - some of whom are undoubtedly real girls - but I have to say for the type of girl that I was looking for...well, match just wasn't really the right fit.

Not that tonight's date with someone from The Onion/Esquire/SSNPersonals was anything to write home about.

See, when the date was first made it was originally for coffee. Which is a fantastic first date activity.

Because there's a very finite time period during which the date is occurring. You show up, you order, you drink coffee/coffee-related beverages and then you go home. That's it.

What was originally proposed as a "coffee shop" was actually a wine bar. Which meant that that finite amount of time (1 cup) becomes way more nebulous ("Sure I'll have another cosmo") and what should have been a quick little "So yeah..." becomes "You just ordered another drink didn't you? Aw hell," kind of situation.

Sigh.

Which is why I think from now on, if there's a woman that I'm not quite sure about (and the woman tonight definitely fit that category - really 5 minutes in I knew it was a wasted evening (and 5 minutes is being about 4 minutes 55 seconds generous)) I'm going to strongly suggest meeting them for coffee and not for drinks.

On the plus side this was a night where there wasn't that awkward dance - made even more awkward by Minnesota winters - where you figure out how to end that first date.

Tonight was easy because she initiated a hug. But then I made the standard guy mistake of saying "Well I'll call you next week..." when really I have no such intention.

Oh fine yell at me. Whatever. The fact is saying "Yeah I really don't have any interest in seeing you again" to her face was more than I'm capable of. Better to let it go this way and then follow it up with "Yeah, um, no."

Right?

Amber's New Manifesto On Dating.

Like you really flippin' care, but I'm posting about it anyway.

Over the past few days, I've decided that I need to revise my outlook and attitudes not just towards dating in general, but how I'm going to talk about dating here on The Online Dating Diaries.

I hate censoring myself. There are more than a few times that I wish I would have started out my blog anonymously so that I could write whatever the hell I wanted. For the most part, I do, but I also try to do it in a sensitive manner...I'm not interested in offending or hurting anyone.

When it comes to the Online Dating Diaries, however, that's tricky. First of all, the details are what makes the stories interesting. Yet at the same time...people read this shit. And as I have discovered, some of those people are the very people that I'm either dating, have dated, or will potentially date. This makes it messy for several reasons. First of all, I don't like the thought that something I say on here could be miscontrued and subsequently hurt or offend someone. So then I thought "Well, hey, then I'll just wait to talk about it after we break up or stop dating." Yet that's messy, too, because I know that someone will be all "So what is she going to say about me if we end things?" Also, more than once someone has brought up the fact that they felt like they were an experiment for the Online Dating Diaries or felt like they were in a competition and that the ODD posts were like reading stats - "How am I doing? How do I measure up? This sucks."

None of those things are my motivation for writing about dating on here. The purpose of the blog is for us to share our stories and adventures about dating because, well, dating is crazy. Dating stories are easy to relate to...share one and you get the whole room going on their own experiences, whether good or bad. Our main purpose on here, when Sascha, MooCow, and I started this blog, was to share our own experiences, stories, lessons, tips, rants, whatever, so that hopefully someone else navigating the world of online dating can learn something from our experiences, mistakes, triumphs, or brilliant advice. Plus, it's just damn fun reading about someone else's horrible date.

So what to do? And then you have to ask yourself "How does Amber feel about dating in general at this juncture? What has transpired to bring these feelings to the current level? How will her feelings now affect her future?"

All good questions, my children, and thank you for asking.

In the last post from MooCow, he mentioned that I was off of men for a while. He was right...I was. I did make the move to get back into the swing of things by reposting my profile on the online dating sites, though that move was more symbolic than anything else. While it was kind of fun to have a reason to be bitter about men, that really wasn't the reason why I was apprehensive about dating. I have a huge fear of rebounds, and wanted to give myself some time to get over it before I jumped into anything new. I did just that, and one day I woke up and realized that I was over it. It wasn't even a bitter "over it" either. I'm glad that I knew Birkie Boy the way that I did, I'm glad that we had a great relationship up until the end, but it's over and I'm over it being over.

I dated someone casually not long after the break-up, which I will post about later, and it was actually a pretty perfect arrangement at the time. Yet that's exactly what it was...casual, nothing serious. To be frank, that's fine - I'm still not the girl who hunting down her soulmate. I guess my attitude still is "If it happens, great...but if it doesn't, that's great too." However, you can only go on so many dates with someone that you have casual feelings for before you start to get bored. Again, we will talk about this more in a later post, so let's move on.

So where are we now? Well, actually, right now we're in crazy town. Things have kind of...picked up...dramatically within the past two weeks.

Which brings us full circle...how to write about it? I still don't know for sure. I think, for starters, I will merely talk about the dates or near-dates that have been less than great. That way I know I'm not hurting the potential for something in the future with the person that I'm writing about. Also, this lets me off the hook in a way, too, because if I go on a date with someone more than once, then it's a pretty safe bet that if I do end up writing about them on here I will be more apt to be glowing rather than defamatory in my references towards them. Unless they end up being a total ass...then that's their own fault (just putting that warning out there).

However, then again, we get into the whole "dating more than one person at the same time" dilemma. I don't enjoy doing this. It's usually a lot of work, and I'm inherently lazy. However, I'm also not the girl who's all "We went on one date and now I consider him my boyfriend." And there is a little bit of defiance there to the guys who have a problem with it...it kind of stems from dating a few guys who didn't necessarily want to commit to a relationship, but also didn't want the insecurity that I could be dating someone else I might end up liking better. And I'm not even a huge commitment girl...but fair's fair. It's not a competition, it's not a game...it's just a way to combat jumping into something too soon. And like I said before...I'm probably not going to talk much about the guys that I'm dating that do have potential...I'm just going to talk about the lame ones. Fun for all involved.

Been a long time.

Everytime I log into Blogger, I see the link down at the bottom of the list, "Online Dating Diaries" just looking at me all forlorn and unupdated since September.

At least I'm only 1/3 responsible for that since the others are to blame (DarkAmber isn't really a real person so as much as I'd like to say I'm only 1/4 responsible that just seems like cheating).

They have very good excuses though. Sascha's been getting jiggy wid it with the same guy for awhile now (unless there's something I don't know, in which case, uh, sorry) and Amber's off men for a bit (And no that doesn't mean that she's on women then, though if it did, she'd pretty much get college paid for).

And then there's me.

I dated a girl for about a month and a half - she signed up for the match after seeing my profile, or so she claimed at the time - but that was back in August or so. For our second date (which she planned) we went out to see The 40-year-old Virgin, in a delightful bit of irony.

I realize now - and I think to some extent I did at the time - that she was a rebound. What should have been nice and simple - like bouncing a basketball - became something totally different - like the scene in Flubber when they throw the ball around the laboratory and it pings around breaking test tubes and causing the dog to run and hide.

Which left me totally drained. I didn't care enough to put forth the effort that you have to put forth in the online dating world.

Myth #234890345 about online dating - It's less time consuming than dating in the real world.

Sheeeeet. Totally not true. Between browsing profiles, weeding out the creepy people who send messages to you, trying to keep 1-5 conversations straight as you get to know the contestants, that it almost leaves you too tired to go out on the actual dates.

Oh sure I still profile skimmed...I still exchanged emails with women, but it was all half-assed, and as can be expected died off with nary a whimper. It really is one of those things where you get out what you put into it. You don't water the plant and you end up with a living room full of empty pots. Which is kind of a bad analogy, but I just looked out on my balcony and realized I had forgotten a plant out there...

But I'm back. I'm ready. I'm feeling baggage free, well, okay maybe some but it's only like a carry-on or some shit.

And cautiously optimistic about this girl...

Sing Me A Song About Nerdatron Love

FINALLY!

So ever since I joined Esquire.com, there is this guy that I've had on my hotlist. Total geek-bomb, but adorably so. Every single word written in his profile makes me burst out laughing, even to this day.

And ever since, I've been re-living the old high school love saga titled "In Love With The LOTR Nerdatron Who Won't Give Me The Time Of Day Because I'm A Cheerleader".

Because he never added me to his hotlist. And he never wrote me. And he never asked me out so we could go to his house and play X-Box and watch Monty Python movies together and I could throw him on the floor and kiss him because I know that he'll never get up the nerve to do it himself.

But finally - finally - that torture is over.

Because thanks to the new features on Esquire.com, you can see who's viewed your profile and who's added you to their hotlist. While part of me hates these new features because I really would rather not have everyone and their mom know if they're on my hotlist or not, I now profess my undying love to it.

Because geekatron boy added me to his hotlist. After what...a year now?...I finally have a sign that geekatron boy likes me back.

Now all I have to do is wait another year for him to write me a message.

I think it's about time the world started revolving around me.

Thus is the law of the universe:

When you decide that you want to start dating again, there are no potential dates to be found.

When you decide that you don't want to date and just want to be by yourself for a while, that's when the date offers start pouring in.

Why can't the world just work around me and do what I want it to do for once?

And of course, the date offers coming in at this time are not from guys that I would find easy to turn down. Of course not. They have to come from guys that make it really, really, really hard to stick to my decision. Guys that are pretty perfect for me. Guys that make me giggle, squeal, and clap my hands when I get affirmation from them, and then I have force myself to remember "Wait! I'm not doing this right now! Right? RIGHT?!"

Right.

I guess.